Alleee and Franc's
INSOLITOLOGY

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How to become paranormal



Playful Psychic

Complete Idiot's Guide to being Psychic book Let's face it : we all want to be able to read minds, pass through walls, and mind-control people into doing our sinister bidding. There are few ways to do this. The most spontaneous is comic-book-style mutations by falling into toxic green sludge, but unless you are a comic book character (or cannot find toxic green sludge), this option is pretty much closed to you. Another way is to buy the Complete Idiot's Guide to Being Psychic (see right), but what if you are not a complete idiot ?

The web site Playful Psychic is for you. You will now learn how to create and manipulate "energy", telekinesis, magick and more ! Unfortunately, it also requires a large amount of gullibility. But that never stopped you before, hasn't it ?


1. Preparation

To begin, you have to be properly prepared. Unfortunately in this case, the preparation sounds more like getting ready to be told nonsense, and seems to be there to have cop-outs. Indeed, we learn that 1. belief is necessary, 2. don't expect too much, and 3. doing it the first time is the most difficult. But then again, how else can they make you trust people named "Peebrain" and "Skywind" ? I thought as much.

Each time you find yourself feeling bad or scared, give yourself a pep talk. Explain why the worry is unrealistic.
(...) No matter what, don't give up! I took nearly 20 years to learn one particular skill but I did eventually get it. Most skills will only take a few weeks or months, but even if they take longer, just keep trying. Practice and play!

We are also advised to "Pay attention to subtle thoughts and gut feelings". This will come back frequently - the author seems to be of the "if it doesn't seem to work, but you feel it works, it works" school of thought.


2. Basic Skills

There are basic skills necessary to learn in order to get to the interesting stuff. These skills are :

Shutdown - "Stopping all psychic activity". Basically just relaxing so you can convincingly pretend to yourself that the imaginary effects are gone.
Grounding - "Anchor to the ground". I'm not sure why, maybe they don't have gravity in Foreignia or wherever they live.
Centering - "Finding your own identity". If you need someone named "Peebrain" to tell you how to do that, you have more problems than imaginary psychic energy can solve.
Drawing Energy - Get energy from stuff to yourself. "Energy comes from many sources, including the sun, moon, earth, nature, water, wind, storms, fire, emotions, and movement". Uhhhh, ok.
Creating Psiballs - Become a Super Saiyan instantly or your money back.
Shielding - Learn to block Super Saiyans instantly or your money back.

The writers of this site seem especially obsessed about psiballs and shielding.

You have to understand that "energy", for a crackpot, means something different than in real life. In real life, energy is an attribute of entities - its capacity to do work (effect movement). There is no such thing as an energy ball, or "siphoning energy". Even the energy in the human body exists because of our metabolism, and this energy is in a specific chemical form. In Paranormal World, "energy" is something in itself : a vague, translucid form of gas which is really, really powerful, that looks either like heat in the dead of summer, or like a photon torpedo from Star Trek.

Energy is everywhere. When I say everywhere, I mean it. It's inside of you, inside your muscles, inside your toe-nails... It's floating in the air, it's floating in deep-space. It's in your keyboard, in your monitor, in your mouse. Everything that exists has energy because everything is made of energy.

Energy can take on an infinite amount of forms. We can see the solid physical forms everywhere. What else can it be? Emotion, thought, spirits, will, instinct, light... Anything you can think of is a form energy can take. I mean it when I say everything is made of energy. No exceptions.

What are some other properties of energy? That's about it. See? Simple! It breaks down to one sentence: Everything imaginable is made of energy. It's the life force, the death force, the food in your stomach, the imaginary friend you had as a child. I hope your starting to get the point.

As a matter of fact, I do. Anyway, coming back to the subject of psiballs. Making a psiball is easy. Cup your hands as if you're holding a baseball, imagine you're putting energy between your hands, and imagine you're feeling something. Push or pull between your hands, heat or cold, change in density, light, waviness, or anything else that changes is evidence you made a psiball - basically, any reaction you might have (boy, they left that pretty open didn't they). Stay in this position until you look either like 1. a Super Saiyan or 2. a Super Moron.

Making a shield is equally easy. First, one must define its role : offensive, defensive (psychics are an aggressive lot, you see), temporary or permanent, and so on. Then, draw energy and make it swirl around you, as if you were taking psychedelics.

Picture the energy as anything you wish. Common visualizations are soap bubbles, waterfalls, balls of light, fire, trees/vines, crystals, feathered wings or fur, tank metal, and armor. Choose an image that you enjoy thinking about and that isnít cramped or heavy. Swirl the energy around you.
(...)
Large crowds, schools, and cities are filled with intense emotional energy. Empaths who are particularly sensitive to this learn to build very strong shields to keep other people's emotions separate from their own.

Uh... allright.

Here is a little game you can use while practicing the creation of psiballs :

Each person creates psiballs and throws them against the walls of the room, like throwing sticky goo. Vary the energy in the psiballs, and let the energy remain on the walls as you throw them. If you want, say aloud what your psiball is made of just before you throw it. ("Soapy sponge! ") After a few minutes, look around psychically and notice all the energy splats everywhere.

When you're done, take turns "washing" the walls off with a spray of energy from the palm of your hand, like a garden hose. Let all the energy soak in to the ground, and ground yourself.

I am so not making this up.


3. Advanced Skills

Now you are ready to learn the stuff that will give you money, political power, and help woo the ladies - the advanced skills.

Empathy - "The ability to know someone else's emotions". Basically like Counselor Troi on Star Trek, minus the cleavage.
Telepathy - "The psychic transfer of thoughts". Or : how to further mangle the concept of "energy" by using "energy links".
Astral Projection - "Projecting your awareness to the astral plane". From what I've heard, the astral plane is pretty... well, plain. Don't go there unless you're trying to find a good way to sleep.
Aura Vision - See the "energy field" around things. A good excuse when caught staring at a woman's cleavage.
Using Psychokinesis - "The ability to move or affect matter with your mind". Unfortunately, they'll only show you how to move small things like a dice or pieces of paper. A good party trick, I'm sure.

So how do you move things around ?

1. Remove all disbelief. "Do or do not. There is no try."
2. Choose the goal you want. This could be a dice roll, a hand of cards, or whatever.
3, Visualize that goal very strongly, being very confident that it can and will happen exactly as you want it to. "My will be done!"
4. Shuffle the cards, roll the dice, or do whatever is necessary to pick the event.
5. Check your results. Keep practicing.

Are you starting to see a trend ? Yes, the solution to every problem is "strain to imagine whatever you want, and it'll happen".

Note that psychic powers are a lot of work. I can already create more energy and move things around at the same time, evoke emotions in other people, and walk thru walls. It's called lifting something, talking to someone, and using a door.

I have to add a note because their web site is just so ludicrous. If they were for real, they would be the most unconscious people on the planet. the possiblities of this are so great, yet all they do is a coinky-dink web site. Either they are pathetic liars or completely irresponsible kids, and both options are not appealing (I suppose this is true of all paranormal claims, but it just hit me here because their claims are eminently verifiable).

Also check out their articles section. Happy imagining.



review written by Franc, 08/2002.