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Scientology's Intricate "Web", part 2

In the previous part, we went over two overviews of the "web of deceit" of Scientology, and we examined a few Scientology-oriented sites. We continue our review with sites about L. Ron Hubbard. As you know, Hubbard is the founder of the cult, and only his words are official doctrine. He remains the revered figure, and Scientologists will do anything - including boosting book sales and movie revenues - to make his reputation look better. Crappy web sites are not the exception.

Original image at -Ron the Artist

An artist ? Sure. Hubbard was a failed hack science-fiction writer, a man of "the pulps". His extent in the other arts were to sing a bad song and make some crappy introductory movies. But hey, he can wear a beret, so I guess that means he's an artist ! They even dare to pin him credit for Battlefield Earth.

Original image at As for the movies, well, I admittedly would like to see such luminaries as "False TA" (TA meaning Tone Arm, or in normal language, reading the e-meter properly), The Tone Scale, and The Auditor's Code. I'm sure they are very entertaining in a "so bad it's good" way.

Just to illustrate what kind of PR bullshit these sites are (from what I can read, there doesn't seem to be many true statements at all), let me quote you one flagrant example in the "Maker of Music" section, talking about Hubbard's group the Apollo Stars :

The net effect can only be described as galvanizing--as in normally staid Portuguese crowds spontaneously rushing the stage in a literal gesture of togetherness. (That the stage collapsed beneath their collective weight hardly dampened the enthusiasm.)

What REALLY happened in Portugal when the Apollo Stars went to play there :

The Apollo arrived in Funchal on 7 October and moored in her usual berth. Emissaries were sent ashore to advertize a 'rock festival' to be held at the weekend, featuring the Apollo Stars. Late on the afternoon of Wednesday, 9 October, while Mary Sue and several members of the crew were ashore, a small crowd of young men began to gather on the quayside. By the way they were glowering and gesticulating at the ship, it was obvious to those on board that this was not a social call. Soon the crowd, which was growing all the time, began chanting 'C-I-A, C-I-A, C-I-A.'

Nervous Scientologists lining the rails of the ship tried chanting 'CIA' back at the crowd, but it did nothing to lower the tension. Then the first stone clanged against the Apollo's hull and a bottle smashed on the fore deck. More stones and bottles followed as the crowd's anger spread. The crew scattered to take shelter and began picking up the stones from the deck and throwing them back into the crowd. In a matter of moments it became a pitched battle.

Hubbard, who was watching what was going on from the bridge, got out a bullhorn and boomed 'Communista, Communista' at the crowd. Then he began taking photographs of the stone-throwers with a flash unit, further inflaming their tempers. Several of the crew were hit by flying stones, including Kima Douglas, whose jaw was broken by a large lump of rock that hit her full in the face. On the quayside, one of the crowd opened his trousers, waggled his penis and took a direct hit with a well-aimed stone from the ship.
(Russell Miller, Bare-Faced Messiah, ch. 19)

original image at -Ron the Humanitarian

Ron the Humanitarian ? The same man who said that "the trouble with China is that there are too many Chinks", that blacks were too stupid to register on an e-meter, who was pro-apartheid, and said about gays :
"The sexual pervert (and by this term Dianetics, to be brief, includes any and all forms of deviation in dynamic two such as homosexuality, lesbianism, sexual sadism, etc., and all down the catalog of Ellis and Krafft-Ebing) is actually quite ill physically." (Hubbard, Basic Study Manual, p. 140)

Yea, tell me another good one. There is nothing much interesting on these pages, since they only regurgitate Scientology doctrine on education, drugs and culture. We do, however, get the bonus of a picture of Hubbard playing with clay (see left).

-Ron the Poet

Hubbard didn't write Vogon poetry, but it's still randawful, almost as much as his singing.

Men will come
Along this blaze hacked
By pen in wilderness
Of fact.

Men will come
And in coming scowl and utter
Thunderous wrath
And say that here and HERE
A comma is out of place.

Hubbard's poetry is either ridiculous or makes me dizzy. To each his taste, I'm sure : but even the Bible did better than that. The end of "Funeral for a Planet" even made me laugh :

Poor Earth

Who will defend her
Who will mend her
Who will befriend her?

Poor Earth
Poor Earth
Poor Earth

That’s not a woman crying . . .

That’s the Planet.

Very nice, Ron... now put down the LSD.

Heber arrested Now that Hubbard has been dead for a while, he has been replaced, at least in the public eye, by David Miscavige (chairman of the Religious Technology Center) and Heber Jenschtz. Miscavige is a high school dropout with low literacy : he's not at all a figure of Hubbard's scope, which is too bad. He is also a very proficient swearer.

Heber Jenzsch is the demented president of Church of Scientology International, and he gets arrested an awful lot (for example, see left). He also likes to accuse people of being on drugs, as you can hear in this entertaining interview.

To understand the whole hierarchy of Scientology, see this informative page from our Freezoner friends at Veritas.

Well, this is it for our Grand Tour. We are not, however, quite done.

original image at -Scientologist On-Line Home Page

Making elaborate web sites is time-consuming and tedious. What if we could automatize the process ourselves ?, they asked. And they had an idea. Let's send Internet kits to our vict... members, and have them create their own template web site ! And so they got 16 000 automated web sites to flood the Internet with. This web site lists them all.

All such sites follow the same exact pattern. One gets to type in his own personal information and "Success in Scientology". Apart from that, all that the person can change are the colours, and he chooses the quotes and links he wants to use. Big whoop. But seeing how original our friend Steve here is, it's as well that way :

First and foremost Scientology services have given me tools to create a very high quality of relationship with the people in my life. Quality of relationships, how well you communicate with friends, acquaintances and loved ones as well as new people entering your life is what determines your success in life.

As a result of my involvement with this technology I've been able to utilize my potentials and tap into innate abilities I didn't know I had. My ability to solve the problems of life has expanded tremendously as well as enjoying a high level of creativity.

Yea, sure.

-Harold Pekteno’s web site

A parody of these cookie-cutter sites, much better than the originals...

-Religious Freedom Watch

"Dead Agenting" in Scientology means to discredit a critic so much that his testimony becomes worthless. This web site is Scientology's latest pathetic attempt at DAing (believe me, the previous ones were much worst). It is an 1984-like Site of Hate. The Anti-Religious Extremists page is a good Who's Who of Scientology critics. Here is how it works :

1. Find the worst picture you can of someone, or a picture of him getting arrested, and post it.
2. Talk about how the person has committed horrible crimes, even though your information comes from a soccer player with no knowledge of economics.
3. Talk about how the person hates Scientology and freedom of religion, if possible with lurid pictures made in humor that have nothing to do with Scientology.

Ta-daam ! You have dead agenting !


Scientology really, really hates psychologists because they cut in on their business. Much like anti-abortionists, they put up lists of people to hate. Is YOUR psychiatrist a criminal ? *gasp*

Song from anonymous

This here’s a story ‘bout Ronnie L. and Mary Sue
He was a starving author with nothin’ better to do
Than sit around the house and write bad science fiction
Then he made a million bucks startin’ his own religion

Go Ron, take the money and run (x4)

Then Ron he wrote another book, called History of Man
He wrote about the sloth and how we evolved from clams
Well down in Australia they got in a great big hassle
Meanwhile up in England they bought a great big castle

Well, L. Ron Hubbard, you know he got real bored
So he bought himself some ships and started the Sea Org
They sailed around the ocean, yeah, him and his horde
Teachin’ Scientology and gettin’ thrown overboard

Go Ron, take the money and run (x4)

Well the FBI came out and grabbed all their E-meters
Ronnie L. and Mary Sue thought they were rotten cheaters
So Mary Sue and GO started workin’ for the Feds for a while
Yeah, they smuggled out their papers and stole all their files

L. Ron Hubbard, whoa, he slipped away
Mary Sue got caught by the Feds the very next day
Well the judge, he sent her up to the great big slammer
Lafayette took the money and run

L. Ron took the money and run (x4)

-Operation Clambake

The Flip Side : everything you want to know about Scientology, including : how much does it cost ? what is the real history of Hubbard ? what is the Sea Org ? what are the basic techniques in Scientology ? how many Scientologists are there ? and more.

-Xenu TV

A treasure-trove of interviews, videos and radio shows about Scientology. For a good introduction to Scientology's hisotry and weird doctrines, listen to Jim Beebe. There is also an interesting panel of OT8s talking about their experiences in those etheral levels, and a historical interview with L. Ron Hubbard. This web site is worth many, many visits.

-Battle Of The Cashed-Up Cults Part 2: Scientology

Not only is this guy informed of what Scientology is, but he went and experienced it for himself. Now that takes some guts.

-Scientology's Nut Job Founder

Smoking Gun has a number of old FBI files about Hubbard, as well as letters he wrote to the FBI. We see some of his paranoid, raving lunatic personality shining here.

-Highlights from the TNX-L Mailing List

Read what Scientologists say when they think we're not listening...

Crime statistics in Los Angeles were down about 20% across the boards last year! Specifically, homicides were down 21%. This is tremendous news, actually. And since we know hardly any other group on the planet is doing anything effective about society's situations, I think we should take a win!
- Larry C. Gentry

I'm saying this partly because I know how exciting it is to make contact with people who are supposedly dead, and how comforting it is to know they aren't left at loose ends or to fend for themselves in the afterdeath. And to know that people continue to learn and expand and to do fun things.
- Marina McInnis

On my part, I prefer the immortal words of Elvis.

"Fuck those people! There's no way I'll ever get involved with that son-of-a-bitchin' group. All they want is my money". -- Elvis Presley about Scientology

review written by Franc, 07/2002. Latest update 02/2006.