Bet you didn't know there were magical computer programs.
Or should that be magikal? You see, the SpellKaster program is so magical that it can't even be spelled logically. Luckily, this program's website ("UNLOCK THE SECRET OF WEALTH, HAPPINESS, HEALTH, LOVE OR USE IT FOR REVENGE"!) is only one page, so I'll just comment on the entire thing as it goes. Sometimes, I have to convince myself that I'm not making this shit up.
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My Friends Laughed At Me When I
First Told Them About How This Amazing Software Changed My Life... Then they asked me how they could get it for themselves. Imagine if you had a way to achieve the wealth you've always wanted. What if you could drift off to sleep knowing that happiness and good fortune was yours and it was as simple as clicking a button ? SpellKaster is the exciting new software that uses the advanced power of Radionic Energy to make all of your dreams and desires come true. |
The first thing we notice is that a crappy midi plays when you load the ad, even when you have your browser's "play sounds" setting off. Yeah, that's a good way to make a first impression.
Anyway, are you surprised that it reads like a spam message? The software is copyrighted by "EMG", which - unfortunately - is short for "Easy Money Guaranteed". Yes, they have magic programs that can generate wealth with a mouse click, yet they're still resorting to the same "let me make you a useless website and you have to make money by spamming it to EVERYONE" scam that zillions of other spammers use. Don't you love looking at a worthless product and deducing within all of three seconds that its creator doesn't even use it?
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SOFTWARE CONTROLLED RADIONIC ENERGY All kinds of people waste Thousands of
Dollars on psychics, fortunetellers and even voodoo... They hire questionable opportunists to
cast spells or spin some wild curse because they simply do not know that a
real power exists inside an easy to use software... Imagine using it on your computer right
now. Remember... This isn't just some gimmick - It's a powerful Radionic Energy generator that you can use to achieve the desires of your dreams.... But it won't work if you don't understand
why... |
Is there any reason "Thousands of Dollars" is capitalized? Oh, right, it's probably the half-assed god of SpellKaster's programmer.
Anyway, what the hell is "radionic energy"? Amazingly, dictionary.com left me with no answers, and all the websites I found about it also talked about such luminous topics as "active talismans" and "remote mind control software" and "FDA UltraMK MIRACLE 6", so I can only presume that "radionic energy" is simply an obscure synonym for "bullshit".
Luckily, I was to soon learn differ - oh, wait, I wasn't.
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RADIONIC ENERGY
IS ALL AROUND US THE POWER COMES TO THOSE WHO KNOW HOW TO USE IT Radionic Energy is comprised of the powerful vibrational forces that flow throughout our universe. This powerful energy affects all life forms on Earth... Animals, plants and human beings. Some people describe this powerful force as good luck, bad luck, fate, coincidence but the science behind the phenomena knows better... SpellKaster modulates Radionic Energy through focused frequency generation. These frequencies cross the boundaries of mind and matter affecting everyone and everything. And when you use SpellKaster, you can focus that powerful energy on anyone - even yourself ! And you'll see the software and Radionic Energy in action for yourself in just minutes from now. |
Hooray! So radionic energy is just like the Force! And it can be generated and manipulated by nutcases who take the Alex Chiu route of believing that ALL THINGS can be accomplished through the right "frequency"!
Given how well Windows works, I don't know if I'd want any software that can manipulate the energy of "all living things". What if it got buggy or crashed? Instead of the Blue Screen of Death, it'd start modulating bad luck energy, and then you'd get the Stupid Dreams of Death, grow ass crack hair, and have your chick leave you for another woman. And then you'd have to pay $100 for Alex Chiu's "Immortality Device" magnet bracelets to get de-modulated or something.
But hey, it's nice to know that even though this is powerful energy, it still won't work if you "don't understand why". That would be so cool if you could use sheer ignorance to mute other powerful forces, like gravity or fire or kinetic energy. Airlines and fire departments could just hire on a bunch of retards, and there would be no need for expensive plane engines, firetrucks, or all that life risking. And you could empty firearms on infants all day and they'd just laugh it off (you'd think the loud gunshots would scare them, but they don't understand sound waves either, so to hell with that, too). Leave it to the minds who invented "radionic energy" to accidentally postulate a universe where the target audience for Adam Sandler films would be gravity-defying and invulnerable.
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NOW YOU CAN HAVE IT. Maybe you want money... Health ? Love and Romance ? Now you can literally cast a scientific spell over your own destiny and others. And yes, SpellKaster can even
be used to get even with your enemies who really have it
coming...
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There's something oxymoronic about having a "scientific spell", but I just can't put my finger on it. Oh, right. It's because they haven't actually sat down and run experiments with this. They'd probably need to get two twins who live exactly the same life. Can you imagine?
"Okay, #2, we've been running the Misery Spell on you for about a week now. Do you feel more or less lucky than your sister?"
"How the hell is this program supposed to work again?"
"Oh, goddammit! I told you you need to believe in it for it to work, now we have to start over!"
"But...if you tell me how it works and what you're doing, the placebo effect might kick in. I might start imagining everything good or bad that happens to me is because of the program, whether it is or not."
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SEVEN POWERFUL SPELLS To Use Anytime You Want To SpellKaster comes with these 7 life altering spells built right into an easy to use software... You'll Get All These Spells And More ! |
Oh, wow, seven! And more!
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The
Patience Spell - Use this either on yourself or someone
else.
Select the Patience Spell and immediately SpellKaster weaves its magic like a high-tech shaman - Giving you the patience and stamina to achieve anything you want to or... |
Yeah, that's just what I need, something that will make me more likely to be able to sit through an episode of American Idol.
But cool, a high-tech shaman! I wonder if it'll have any primitive religious stuff for me while it's raising my patience.
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Turn the software on someone else close to you. They don't need to know about it and the longer you run the software on your computer, the more effect it will have on them. |
I wonder how SpellKaster knows who people are. Presumably, you type in their name.
"Hey, Bob, let's go to that Avril Lavigne concert!"
"No way, dude! I couldn't sit through that."
"Oh, yeah?" (type type click!)
"That won't work. From now on, my name is Stuntcock. But feel free to invite all the other people named 'Bob' that you're patience-ing up now."
"Dammit! Okay, 'Stuntcock'..." (type type click!)
"Nah, my name is Stretched Rubber now. I can keep this up all night, dude."
"ARGH! The program backfired!"
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The Love
Spell - You'll want to turn this powerful setting on someone
else and watch the magic of romance ignite in their eyes the next
time they see you - But they'll have no idea how it
happened.
Or use it on yourself and transform yourself into a sexual dynamo ! The more you run the software, the more powerful the effect. Run the software overnight on your computer while you sleep and don't be surprised if the person of your dreams practically arrives at your doorstep in the morning... It's that powerful and they'll never know. |
So basically, this one is like a date rape drug, only it won't work without a computer. Yeah, that's useful.
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The Health Spell - Lose weight, feel better yourself or turn the power onto someone you care about. The transformation is just like lightning and its as fast a marathon runner on overdrive... |
Would it be too pedantic to point out that lightning is, in reality - where I shouldn't be seeing crap like this - much faster than even a marathon runner on overdrive? No, of course it wouldn't.
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The Misery Spell - It's a perfect secret weapon against those who have it coming. Let's face it, we all have enemies and now you can ensure they'll experience their fair share of misfortune at the simple click of a mouse. Simply enter their name into the software. Select the Misery Spell and start the spell - the longer you let it run, the more misery they'll get - all through the universal power of Radionic Energy. |
Just make sure you first explain to your enemies how radionic energy works so they'll be affected by it!
Or you could skip that and simply enter their email addresses into a dozen porn sites and watch them drown in spam, all while you're submitting their website to Something Awful's Awful Link of the Day over and over until they finally do it and your enemy is wracked with horrific bandwidth charges. Guess which approach doesn't require the "universal power" of a powerful bullshit generator?
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The Good Fortune Spell - Do you want to win the lottery ? How would you like to cut your odds ? Maybe you want to achieve bigger things in business or you simply want money, luck and good fortune stampeding into your life with the fury of race horse ? It doesn't matter, SpellKaster delivers what you want... It's like having a Genie in a bottle on your desktop but don't worry you're getting more than just three simple wishes... SpellKaster can be used as much you want - over and over again. Some people even use SpellKaster to make money by running spell casting services for others. |
You know, it's not like I have an English degree, but I always thought that "cutting" your odds of winning the lottery would be a bad thing. (Not that it really matters. If you're "lucky" enough to buy this program, you'd have better odds of getting hit by lightning and then successfully suing God.)
But what's this? People are making money running this program for others? You mean the Wealth Spell (below) isn't getting them enough money on its own?
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The Retribution Spell - The most powerful revenge generating force on the planet. We all know some people who are so rotten and so vile that they deserve the very worst of what they get. Now you can speed that process up and ensure they never prosper. This spell gives you the power to get them crawling on their knees or begging your forgiveness. Maybe they'll choke on their own obnoxious attitude - It's up to you ! Simply enter their name into the software. Select the spell and run it. You'll practically hear their screams of sorrow the minute you activate the spell. This is a very powerful spell and some people spend Hundreds Of Dollars to have these spells cast but now you can spread a little revenge whenever you want to - free of charge ! |
Yeah, giving an ethereal torture program to people who are stupid enough to buy software from someone who is charging money to sell "money-generating" programs. That's a bright move.
But hey, at least Thousands Of Dollars' little brother Hundreds Of Dollars makes an appearance here. That always brightens up my day.
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The Wealth Spell - Money for you or money for them, it's your choice. This spell is naturally the most profitable spell of all and like every spell... The longer you run the program, the more powerful the effect. Imagine the wealth you want then sit back and get ready to start counting the cash like a Wall Street banker. There's one woman in Florida who runs the Wealth Spell on her machine all day and rakes in a fortune on ebay by channeling wealth generating Radionic Energy toward herself and her auctions. It's incredible but it's a fact ! The Longer You Run A Spell The More Powerful It Gets ! |
Wow, how does it know how to get the money to me? Do I have to type in the name of my bank account, too?
I'm not even going to bother making fun of the completely undocumented claim of a woman using it to make money on eBay. I mean, I could say right now that there's some guy who ran it and then his testicles shrank and he accidentally became the next Time Cube guy. So far it'd simply be my word against theirs.
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"The Hidden Power Of Proven Spell Casting Is Within Your Reach" ! Yes, yes it is. |
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SpellKaster is an easy to use software program for Windows
Computers.
It's not complicated and you'll have the complete package in just minutes from now because you'll download it directly to your computer. You'll get full instructions and an idea guide to help you get the most from your software. And you'll get unlimited free updates for life.... The Hidden Power Of Proven Spell Casting Is Within Your ReachSpellKaster is incredibly easy to use but don't let that fool you... Inside this mighty little program is an awesome Genie with powers that will simply astound you. |
The worst part is that I can actually imagine they want you to literally believe there's a real Genie in this program. Maybe it'll be Shaq's character from Kazaam and he'll whine "Hey, this isn't a Shaqdrive, asshole!"
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Radionic Technology is expensive and you're getting years of proven research and development in a professionally built computer software application. |
Yeah, I'm sure the good people at www.easymoneyguaranteed.com have an awesome R&D division set up. And I have absolutely no doubt that, after developing that wondrous Radionic Technology, they managed to sneak it into my computer so the powerful bullshit generator program would have something to work with. (Seriously, is it even possible for anyone, anywhere to believe that even if a new kind of energy was discovered, the components that can manipulate it are already in every Windows-running computer?)
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Three spells or curses from some operator would cost you Hundreds Of Dollars but you won't pay that... And best of all, SpellKaster works wonders ! Right now, take advantage of this special online promotion and save nearly Fifty Dollars off the full retail price of SpellKaster. You're getting the Instant Download Version Of SpellKaster - With instructions, idea guide and everything else but you won't pay the retail price of $149.95.... |
Even if this weren't total bullshit, I'd still be amazed at the idiocy of someone who needs an "idea guide" for a program where all you do is input people's names and click a button.
"Okay, the Retribution Spell. Huh...the idea guide says not to put the names of anyone I like there. Oh, man, I totally would have done that, good thing I read this. And it also says if I get bored with just clicking, I can try clicking a bunch of times to the rhythm of the Jeopardy theme song!"
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Because right now you're getting an exclusive INSTANT CASH REBATE of $52.95 when you place order online right now... And that means... SpellKaster is yours right now for just $97 complete. ORDER NOW BECAUSE ONLY A LIMITED NUMBER OF INSTANT DOWNLOAD PACKAGES ARE AVAILABLE... |
Because they might run out of "instant download packages" after a while, because files will totally wear out if you duplicate them endlessly...oh, wait.
Would this be a bad time to once again point out that they're charging money for a money-generating program? Why don't they just use it themselves instead of trying to sell it? There has to be an obvious explanation other than "con-artist bullshit", right?
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You get Seven Powerful Spells that you can use in a multitude of different ways to get exactly what you want. An easy to use software program that generates real Radionic Energy and complete instructions, The Idea Guide AND free software updates for life... It's yours to run on your computer in just minutes from now. You'll prove it to yourself the minute you start using the program that SpellKaster is the most incredible thing you've ever seen. It's that powerful ! |
I totally love redundancy, it's frigging totally lovably lovable.
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7 All Powerful Spells, Proven
Radionic Energy Generation And FREE updates for life at more than ONE
HUNDRED DOLLARS LESS than the full retail price... |
Wow! A minute ago, it was going to be just $50 less than the full retail price! Is this some kind of new radionic math?
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You have nothing to lose and everything to gain the minute you start generating unbelievable wealth, romance, love and good fortune. Gain admirers, satisfy your
sensual desires and make your enemies wish they had never heard of you -
All through the power of one simple software program that will
unleash your wildest dreams and make them all come
true... |
I guess $97 bucks (or maybe less than $57, depending on how you're doing your radionic math) counts as "nothing to lose". I'd ask SpellKaster's designer if he'll give ME $97 bucks since he considers it to be nothing, but he'd probably cast the "Sell Email Address To Endless Spammers" Spell on me.
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WARNING : RADIONIC ENERGY IS A POWERFUL FORCE. THIS SOFTWARE IS NOT TO BE USED FOR ANY MALICIOUS OR ILLEGAL PURPOSES. |
What, there are non-malicious uses for the Misery and Retribution Spells?
Sanity Rating :
-320 points (bonus points for sheer outrageousness of claims)
(Oh, no! Now that you have my name, please don't cast the Retribution Spell on me!)