Alleee and Franc's

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Tonya Harding Shot JFK

One of the fundamental elements of crackpot theories is the misuse of symbolism. Your garden-variety crackpot will see proof of his conspiracy theory in everything from photographic artefacts, to the names of streets, to murals in airports, to the name of trucks. But it's rare that one finds someone completely devoted to these misuses.

Robert Urbanek, the owner of the "Tonya Harding Shot JFK" site, seems to have invested his delusions completely in interpreting the tiniest of signs. It's like watching a dystrophic mathematician throwing numbers around, except more entertaining.

Tonya Harding Shot JFK

Despite the name of the site, its central thesis is not really that Tonya Harding shot JFK. However, it does provide us a glimpse in his demented symbolist method :

Lee Harry Oswald ?
You be the judge.
Consider the evidence of reincarnation. Both Tonya Harding and Lee Harvey Oswald have the letters "Har" in their names. Both came from poor dysfunctional families. Both learned to use a rifle. The victims were Irish Catholics from Massachusetts whose last names begin with the letters "Ke": John F. Kennedy and Nancy Kerrigan. Both victims were attacked in cities beginning with the letter "D": Dallas and Detroit. Time magazine also saw a connection in the assaults on Kerrigan and Kennedy. Margaret Carlson wrote in the February 21, 1994 issue, "The videocam verite of the clubbing [of Kerrigan] provides the same gritty realism that the Zapruder footage brought to Oliver Stone's JFK."

Hellloooo numerology. Not only is Tonya Harding really Lee Harvey Oswald, but Oksana Baiul is really Nikita Khrushchev, and Kennedy was a war-mongering racist. Oh well.

At some points, Urbanek's theories plunge from symbolism in downright post-modernism, such as his equation of lesbianism (itself a common post-modernist cause) with nuclear power :

A nuclear reactor, on the other hand, has "female" characteristics: it provides a long continuous release of energy, like the female orgasm. Instead of killing by penetration (like a bullet) or by explosion, the reactor in a meltdown kills by radiation poisoning. Poison is the traditional weapon of the female. Note the double standard: male weapons that kill by penetration or explosion are deemed acceptable in war; female weapons that kill by poisoning, such as germ or chemical warfare, are considered abhorrent.

The sexual dichotomy is also expressed in light and darkness: the "male" nuclear bomb produces a white-hot explosion; the black graphite of the "female" Chernobyl reactor suggests the darkness inside the womb. A nuclear reactor in a power plant could also be compared to a woman stuck in a kitchen, forced to cook all her life. She would like to escape, perhaps go on a cruise.

I would suggest, then, that a fission bomb (the A-bomb) represents a male form of nuclear energy. A fission reactor represents the female form. What are we to make, then, of a fusion bomb (the H-bomb) and a fusion reactor? I would suggest that these are the "gay" and "lesbian" forms of nuclear power.

The height of his delusion is highlighted in the "Sun Kings" section, where Urbanek states that only Ra should reign, and then states that he himself is Ra :

So, as you read this, I am either unemployed or underemployed. My apparent destiny of becoming a Great Ruler seems laughably unattainable, considering my lack of political experience and reclusive tendencies. But I have the sun. And I have Sekhmet.

I can already tell you that at the end of your reading, you will have learned the following :

* The movie The Thing and a Star Trek episode are really about AIDS (The AIDS Monster).

* The Grand Canyon is a symbol of the struggle of good and evil (Good and evil in the Grand Canyon)

* An atomic bomb can somehow destroy souls, because it's really really hot (Roswell and the soul killers of Hiroshima)

* Urbanek is the anti-christ (Dream of the devil: I am the Antichrist)

* People are like a wheel, with males as the spoke and females as the rim, and that's why men must dominate women. And this has to do with pi (Difference between men and women is 3.14159 . . .)

* The space probe Pioneer 10 is changing the skin colour and morphology of the human species, because God caught it and thought it was a prayer (Space probe changes skin color of Americans)

* George Costanza will help him become Pharaoh of America (The 'George' dreams: Accepting my inner weasel)

* Al-Quaeda committed 9-11 because they were following the script of the movie Independence Day, which was made by a Dark Goddess, which came to existence because of all the abortions we've been doing. Or something like that, it's not quite coherent (Let the guilty pay. It's Independence Day)

* The explosion of Columbia means World War III is coming real soon, because the debris looked a bit like comets when they fell down to Earth (Columbia and Mars foretell death and destruction)

* The terrorist attacked happened on 9-11, and solar maximums happen every 11 years, therefore the next major solar flare in 2011 will destroy mankind. And Star Trek fans will reincarnate as being on other planets, because they're already used to dressing up like aliens (Angry sun to destroy human race in 2011)


Sanity Rating :

-380 points (Delusions of grandeur coupled with Time-Cube-level gullibility)

review written by Franc, 01/2004.

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