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Ted Jesus Christ GOD Site

There are some people we shouldn't laugh about. People who should be on medication, but are roaming the Internet like wild beasts and unleashing the contents of their demented mind in long rambling run-on sentences. People who make children's brains melt and spur the formation of new parents' lobby groups to censor the Internet. These people should not be laughed about. Well...

... we don't care.

In five words : Ted is very, very insane. And he think he's Jesus. And God. He calls himself TJCG - Ted Jesus Christ God. Yes, Ted Jesus Christ God.

Ted Jesus Christ God,
and Jesus, as painted
by an American Bible
fan named Warner
, in 1941.
Yea Ted, you look
just like "Jesus".

It's nice to know
that Ted maintains
the tradition of
stellar scholarship
in theology.
Ted Jesus Christ GOD Site
(UPDATE: as of June 2007, the TJCG site is now one single page of plain text, a rant by Ted against his recent commitment in mental institution and forced medications. You can see the old site on Internet Archive.)

I reviewed this site back in 2003, when it was hosted on a free server. The web site was a few extremely long pages, with an insane headache-inducing multicolorous background. Now Ted has bought his own domains, I bet there wasn't much competition for that one.

Basically, Ted R. Kurts believes that he is Jesus because he hears voices in his head telling him that he is - according to his video #2, while he was on a sailboat for 40 days and 40 nights - that the end of the world is nigh (nacht), that he should get lots of wives and scoot to Australia to start another Ark. I think he's mixing and mashing his Bible stories together there a little bit. Well, we got to start up TGJC arks and farms and ranches and fisheries and communities and churches. Why you ask ? Simple :

Them that WANT to survive the current FLOOD that is happening are to FLEE from the United States of America that is JUDGED by TJCG to have gone FAR TOO FAR for any Nation or Country to escape the JUDGMENT of THE ONE LIVING GOD and therefore be punished and cursed for a time and destroyed. These are to move to Australia if these want to remain in an English speaking country that is good enough and is a non target area. This is the time to FLEE now and this is prophesied in Bibles that at the Second Coming there will be a time to FLEE and there is and this is now. This has to be in the life time of TJCG! The United States of America is the Capital of Satanism that went FAR TOO FAR and is the Capital of Gay and Bisexualism and Lesbianism and Homosexuality and is the Capital of Evil Media and is the Capital of Pornography and is the Capital of Gambling and is the Capital of Prostitution and is the Capital of Sluts and is the Capital of many things that are too Bad and or Wicked and or Evil. The United States of America cannot get by without getting punished and cursed and destroyed for this!
11 By far and without any exception THE PRIMARY INDUSTRY AND BUSINESS AND CAREER that Close Followers of TJCG have to be into is Creator Original Foods and Creator Original Arks and Creator Original Farms and Creator Original Ranches and Creator Original Fisheries and Creator Original Processing Companies and More related to Creator Original!

12 It is that Close Followers of TJCG are to organize into CLOSED Communities and that buy and sell only from Close Followers of TJCG with few exceptions! (...)

13 In 2004 Biotech has only been around for several decades and already half of the produce in most grocery stores is now Biotech therefore what do you think this will be in 100 years from now on World Earth? This will be enormously overrun with Biotech! Therefore Close Followers of TJCG do NEED to SCRAMBLE to gather the Seeds and Bulbs and Starters and Living Things to make TJCG Arks!
Jesus would have looked more
like this, except with more dirt,
filth, and marks of easily-
treatable diseases.

But lest you think that Ted is only into the messianic thing, let me reassure you. In this case, the devil is in the details (pardon the pun). Ted is highly interested in many topics, including Satanists, starships, biotech foods, demons, the health care system, running for President, prophecies, X-Files, the hymen, grooming, sexual slavery, collecting pictures about all sorts of things, whether angels have wives, cloning... and telling people what to do. All of these can be accessed from his Table of Contents.

Talking about telling people what to do, Ted has endless lists of rules that people should follow. Arbitrary rule-making is a staple of gods around the world, and Ted is no exception. His lists of rules can be seen on the pages Ted Jesus Christ GOD Commandments and Ted who is God and the Creator are The Great Healer. Some of the most notable :

Apparently, a woman
who does horseback
riding is committing
I chose this stock picture
because she sure looks...
um... happy.
Do not dilute God. [Is God a homeopathic remedy ?]
Do set up and or be involved in Biotech FLOODING and setting up a Company to Biotech FLOOD and that illegally puts in the water and or air and or soil or on land illegal Biotech things that have not had approval. [I thought he was against biotech. Now I'm confused.]
Do not take the Lords name in vane. [Weather vane ?]
Do not torture. Physical Torture is only for THE ONE LIVING GOD and for any that HE delegates this to. [Oh ok. So God (Ted) is a dictator. Got it.]
Do not if a women or female ride horses or riding animal straddling the horse or riding animal because this can and does make her have orgasms and multiple orgasms and is considered having sex with that animal. [Huh ?]
Do not allow your hymen to be broken in unless you are married and this is from your husband using your husbands penis. [Glad he specified that, I thought you could use another guy's penis.]
Do not live in wicked cities. [No example forthcoming. Or are all cities wicked ?]
Do not buy or have or decorate with Santa Clauses or Elves and Reindeer at Christmas time because these are a DISTRACTION from Evil. [Wouldn't that be a GOOD thing ?]
Do not watch theater. The vast majority of this is from Evil. These performing are mostly DarkSide Humans. Them performing are mostly Possessed. Therefore you are getting entertained by Satan or Devil and Demons. [MACBETH !]
Do not play chess. [I think this one might be a lark.]
10 Do NOT eat any animal byproducts or products that include NO eggs or milk or yogurt or cottage cheese or cheese or meat of any type except CLEAN Fish from CLEAN Waters like Alaska. Tofu is GOOD! Soymilk is ok if non fat. [It's true what they say about Jesus being a hippie bastard.]
24 TJCG does WANT for you to AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE ALL Modern Medicine and Dentistry and Health Care that is into Drugs and Pharmaceuticals and Altering Genetics and for certain any Surgeries that Fight Growing Old Curse in the slightest and any X-Rays and any Radiation. You are to grow old NATURALLY with NO surgeries to Fight this! [Gee, I guess that means most of us have to die at 40 then.]
25 You are NEVER to have an organ transplant and if having that SEVERE of a health problem then God WANTS for you to die. [Like I said, God (Ted) is a real bastard.]

But Ted Jesus Christ God kept his most important rules, those you better not break if you don't want to go to Hell on the spot, subito presto, for the pages If Doing even a Single Time you could be Lost or Put in Hell and Tendencies that REQUIRE quick Execution :

1 TJCG cannot make a mistake on this and is therefore COMMANDING for the Hosts of Ancient Heaven to HELP HIM with this!

2 These are Genetic and or Possession and or Picks and this is Child Molesters, Murderers, Perverts, Sex Offenders, Rapist, Sexual Slavers, Repeat Murderers, Abductors, Drug Pushers, them that are Gay or Bisexual or Lesbian or Homosexual, DarkSide Humans, definitely any Against God, Idol Worshippers, Witches and Warlocks, them into Occult, KKK, Nazis, Masons, Atheist, Satanist.

3 Do the Hosts of Ancient Heaven Determine that Ted was ever any of these while a 100% Human? NO DEFINITELY NOT!

Uh yea, Ted, the Hosts of Ancient Heaven will get right on it. As for the whole "I wasn't any of those" stuff, methinks you're protesting too much.

Ted also apparently has the gift of prophecy. He even has three pages of prophecy. Only problem is, none of his prophecy pages have any prophecies in them. He basically does everything but give any prophecy. He talks about his childhood, about the spaceships that are coming, about the Ancient Heaven, and about women, but nary one prophecy.
A glimpse into
TJCG's fantasy life.
But he wants to clone women and, on his first prophecy page, goes on and on about what he thinks about naked women he sees in pictures. About the woman to the right, he says :

Now this Female is in Israel and is VERY Jewish and shame on her and she UNDERSTANDS she should NOT be doing this in the slightest! Ted would Clone her many times and how many times needed or wanted or where there is a fit for God and the Hosts and out in the Infinite Universe. Ted LOVES many of the Jewish People and gets VERY GOOD FEELINGS from them. Many of the Russians Ted KNEW were also Jewish to VERY Jewish!

Ted may think he can prophecize, but he's no Jesus. In TJCG had and has Sinned and had Problems and is a Disgrace and a What A Shame and Worse!, he confesses to some minor sins, including a "young experimentation with Homosexuality", sex with prostitutes, and videotaping himself having sex. In God KILL Ted if Ted is not God!, Ted admits that he cannot do any of the miracles that the Bible attributes him. But that's not a problem, since Jesus cheated :

What Ted UNDERSTANDS is that I seem to NOT be able to walk on water and I cannot turn water to wine and I cannot multiply fishes and the loaves and I have tried and WHY? Ted walking on water was on a shoal and Jesus was flesh and blood and bone and could not walk on the surface of the water and then turning the water to wine was a watering down of the wine and these were drunk and exclaimed that this tasted good and then there was the multiplying of the fishes and the loaves and this was a gathering of all of the lunches and a redistribution and some brought more than enough.

So, what do I think about Ted ? Is he batshit insane ? Well, there's no doubt about that. But his video clips show him as a pretty ordinary guy living in his parents' basement. I almost expect him to come out like Troy McClure on the Simpsons and say "Hi, I'm Ted Jesus Christ God. You may know me from my #1 bestseller, the Holy Bible...". Which is almost what he does here. He is very matter of factly about being God. His apparel is also very casual : a yellow t-shirt that says "A…ROPORTALE", anyway (the mystic significance of this is lost on me, I'm afraid). God also likes cheesy posters and conical lampshades, from what I can see.

According to his pages of wedding pictures, he basically hates everyone in his family, except his mother. She was "CONSTANTLY VERY PROTECTIVE and GENEROUS and LOVING" with him. Like Gene Ray or Gene Hammond,
Shown here : puppy.
The most crazy people seem so ordinary and even well-intentioned, that to some extent it's hard to make fun of them too hard even if they are complete lunatics. I think the notion that insane people show their insanity outwardly is just our expectation, and doesn't really reflect the facts. Still, there is something discordant about soemeone declaring his godhood in perfectly conversational tones.

Finally, the previous version of this article ended with a picture of a puppy. Well, it's a perfectly good picture, even though it no longer has any connection at all to the article, so I decided to keep it (see right). Tee hee ! Look how cute he is ! Thatsh a nicsh puppy, yesh. You're not gonna send me to Hell for diluting God, are you ? Good puppy.

June 2007 update!

I got a nice email from Loren S. about the changes on Ted's site, as well as a bit of personal experience with Ted:

Interestingly, I knew tedjesuschristgod personally. Also his then wife, who was/is a lovely, talented person, greatly hurt by the complete psychotic break he suffered around 40 years old. At the time I knew him he wasn't this crazy; just abusive and accusing.

Ted was adopted. His adoptive father was a Seventh-day Adventist school teacher. Some have speculated that the source of his problems was that his father was very strict with him, but I've seen no evidence that they were anything but a nice family; it was just genetics.

Thank you very much for your email Loren. It is too bad that people break down psychologically like that, enough to make you paranoid! But at least Insolitology is there to make sure some good comes out of it, even if that good is "laugh at him."

February 2008 update

Ted has changed his site yet again. Now there's even more chewy goodness on it, including his very own third testament, which I recommend be added to all Bibles post-haste. It's called "TEDís CORE True Enough Third Testament to Bibles and part of TEDís Scriptures and Bibles in Numbered Chapters and Numbered Verses," or for friends, "TETTB." It's a real nail-biter from the beginning:
1 TED was BORN and had NATIVITY in a COUNTRY or NATION on WORLD Earth called UNITED STATES OF AMERICA or USA and this.

2 This was PLANNED a VERY LONG TIME AGO and is WHY this COUNTRY or NATION was SET up for this COMING!

3 This COMING was NOT set up very well and we did not EMPHASIZE this would be through a NATIVITY and BORN AGAIN due to MANY SECURITY PROBLEMS we did think TED would have.

4 We did think this would be enough to have TED REALLY POUND when PROCLAIMED and DECLARED and PUBLICALLY OUT ENOUGH and this is a DIFFICULT COMING and was NOT set up even well enough!

5 We think we are FOOLS really now and this is satan and satanís Demons have POUNDED to make ALL THINGS TED is DOING LOOK like SOMETHING ELSE other than a REAL COMING! HOW MUCH POSSIBLE to DESTROY this COMING!


7 TED is NOT false this is TED is TRUE!

This is TED is TRUE, indeed. He also now has a whole bunch of videos on his YouTube account, and I recommend to all Ted fans to check them out. They are just wonderful, a real fount of wisdom. I am glad to see Ted is back in business.

Sanity Rating :

-420 points (complete raving lunatic)

review written by Franc, 03/2005. Updated 06/2007.

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