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Apart from your body, the first thing that really belongs to you is your name. Your name can really change how other children see you during your first years. Children have an uncanny ability to hone in insulting variants of each other's names. This is not necessarily a problem, unless your parents are batshit insane, in which case they will give you a horrible name like "Gwyneira", which will make both children AND adults roll on the floor.
Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing
As the owner of Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing likes to say, another criteria for a bad name is to imagine it being atributed to a CEO or President. Can you imagine someone announcing, "The CEO of System Dynamics, Gwyneira Vulva Mae" ? No, you can't, or at least it doesn't pass the giggle test.
Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing is not updating its lists anymore, but it has fifteen pages of bad names accumulated throughout the years from message boards and email. The emails where mothers ask for opinions on their name choices or try to justify their name choices are particularly amusing (with comments from the web site owner in red) :
The site also has a blog regularly updated with new bad names, and a Bottom 25, where you will find such wonders as "Cinsere" and "Kryslyn".
So, what's up with those names ? Well, as Alison pointed out to me, most of the people featured on the baby names boards are very young mothers who don't have much common sense. To put it simply, they don't know the difference between a dress-up doll and a baby. This results in a generally sad life for the unsuspecting baby, as well as a very bad "cutesy" name.
There seems to be three particular types of absurdity on the pages of Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing. One is the obsession with giving children a name that reflects their "heritage", even if this "heritage" is either completely imagined or plainly irrelevant.
The two other types of absurdity, which co-exist in some cases, is the mothers who give a long list of completely laughable names as suggestions, and the obsession with celtic names. Here is such a case where both are true at the same time :
In the name of all that is holy, why, you ask ? Some mothers justify themselves by saying that a unique name will make their child unique. This kinda reminds me of the whole notion that school uniforms stifle children's personality. Listen, if your child's personality depends on something as superficial as his name or what he wears, you have more problems than a few "y"s in his first name will solve.
Of course, the absurd extreme of this is that some mothers actually name their children "Unique". The irony is that now many children are named "Unique", thus defeating the whole purpose. But most importantly, it shows again how absurd it is to associate personality with a name.
Baby Names Etc
The sole reason I wanted to enter the enemy's territory is to show you their page on how to make "unique" baby names. The minid boggles at the stupidity of people who would follow such methods as :
"Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K"
Is this serious, you ask ? You'd be surprised how many entries like this you can find while browsing name announcement sites.
Jewish Mysticism simplified for numerology nuts ! There are some things to see on this site, but in particular, the baby names section. There you can learn the meaning of baby names such as Toilet, Beer, Cunt, Jesus and Cthulhu :
(For people who don't get the joke, see the Cthulhu page).
Wildest Baby Names
Once more unto the breach (so to speak). The message board to cull new absurdities from. At this very moment, the first thread on top starts with :
There are a lot of polls going on, so you can go ahead and vote for which insane name you think this or that mother should name her unfortunate child with.
The Utah Baby Namer
Well, no page on bad baby names would be complete without this site. It's for Mormons ! Including such names as VulvaMae (for a girl) and Messiah Angel (for a boy).
Ethan Bassford sent us this email :
Greetings. I stumbled upon your site a few weeks ago, and have been having a great time with it when I'm supposed to be fixing the database. Anyhow, today a friend of mine sent me this link:
As you can see, there is now a baby in the world named Aryan Justice. I just thought that as collectors of internet ludicrosity, you guys would appreciate knowing that.