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Horrible baby names

Apart from your body, the first thing that really belongs to you is your name. Your name can really change how other children see you during your first years. Children have an uncanny ability to hone in insulting variants of each other's names. This is not necessarily a problem, unless your parents are batshit insane, in which case they will give you a horrible name like "Gwyneira", which will make both children AND adults roll on the floor.

Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing

As the owner of Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing likes to say, another criteria for a bad name is to imagine it being atributed to a CEO or President. Can you imagine someone announcing, "The CEO of System Dynamics, Gwyneira Vulva Mae" ? No, you can't, or at least it doesn't pass the giggle test.

Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing is not updating its lists anymore, but it has fifteen pages of bad names accumulated throughout the years from message boards and email. The emails where mothers ask for opinions on their name choices or try to justify their name choices are particularly amusing (with comments from the web site owner in red) :

We are expecting baby #2 in December, we already have a DD Mackenzi Lynn who is 20 mos. old, what do you think of Kadince Mae (or Kadance, Kadence, Cadence) and calling her Kadi, or Cadi for short? We call DD Kenzi, i like a long name with shorter versions. Thanks.

Few realize the much of Leonardo da Vinci's later work was actually done by his trendy airhead sister Mackenzi ka Dince, particularly "his" later technical drawing "OMG avril is SOOOO KEWL!!!!11!!!!!"

I appreciate that saying cadence cadence cadence cadence cadence cadence cadence cadence in a way replicates what cadence is...if your definition of cadence is mostly wrong. Which is a moot point, 'cause I don't think she knows it's a word.

I had a little girl nine months ago and I named her Gennavieve Luaraleigh, and I still have not come across any babies with that name yet. (I just wanted to put that out there as a suggestion to anyone else)

...because she's desperate to assuage her guilt in having named her child such a lengthy mismash of phonetic and agressively anti-phonetic spellings.

The site also has a blog regularly updated with new bad names, and a Bottom 25, where you will find such wonders as "Cinsere" and "Kryslyn".

So, what's up with those names ? Well, as Alison pointed out to me, most of the people featured on the baby names boards are very young mothers who don't have much common sense. To put it simply, they don't know the difference between a dress-up doll and a baby. This results in a generally sad life for the unsuspecting baby, as well as a very bad "cutesy" name.

There seems to be three particular types of absurdity on the pages of Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing. One is the obsession with giving children a name that reflects their "heritage", even if this "heritage" is either completely imagined or plainly irrelevant.

Hello, I was wondering if anyone new of a good site to go to to find a native american name????
Please let me know. I was thinking of using it for a middle name if I found a name that went nicely with the first name.
Many Native names have really cool meanings.
Just wondering.
I am Mohawk if this helps.
Thank you for your help.

The two other types of absurdity, which co-exist in some cases, is the mothers who give a long list of completely laughable names as suggestions, and the obsession with celtic names. Here is such a case where both are true at the same time :

Here is a sample from Names Through the Ages by Teresa Norman.

Female names:

Aelfreda- elf strength
Agatha- pure, strength
Beatrix/Beatrice- bringer of happiness
Edith-wealthy battle
Everild-boar battle
Muriel-sea bright
Osthryth-Gods strength

Male names:

Adhelm-noble helmet
Beorn-warrior, brave
Cenwig-brave in battle
Dunstan-hill stone
Eadmund-wealthy protection
Eadulf-wealthy wolf
Godric-Gods ruler
Heahstan-tall stone
Tunric-town ruler
Tunwulf-town wolf

In the name of all that is holy, why, you ask ? Some mothers justify themselves by saying that a unique name will make their child unique. This kinda reminds me of the whole notion that school uniforms stifle children's personality. Listen, if your child's personality depends on something as superficial as his name or what he wears, you have more problems than a few "y"s in his first name will solve.

Of course, the absurd extreme of this is that some mothers actually name their children "Unique". The irony is that now many children are named "Unique", thus defeating the whole purpose. But most importantly, it shows again how absurd it is to associate personality with a name.

Baby Names Etc

The sole reason I wanted to enter the enemy's territory is to show you their page on how to make "unique" baby names. The minid boggles at the stupidity of people who would follow such methods as :

Combinations: Take the mother's and father's names and combine to create a new baby name. Mary and John could be Marjon, Daniel and Susan would be Dansan, David and Sally could be Dally not Salad! Alan and Mary make a very nice girls name Alray.

"Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K"

Is this serious, you ask ? You'd be surprised how many entries like this you can find while browsing name announcement sites.

Kabalarian Philosophy

Jewish Mysticism simplified for numerology nuts ! There are some things to see on this site, but in particular, the baby names section. There you can learn the meaning of baby names such as Toilet, Beer, Cunt, Jesus and Cthulhu :

He will make you go
insane just by looking
at him, but he's so cute !
As Cthulhu, you have a natural interest in the welfare of your fellow man, and a desire to help and serve others in a humanitarian way. You are responsible and generous, although somewhat scattering and disorganized at times. Any jobs requiring systematic and conscientious effort, or involving any form of drudgery, dismay you. In your work, you would seek a position offering self-expression through contact with people, such as sales or teaching, or a position giving scope to your creative, artistic talents. You are good-natured and likeable, and people tend to confide in you and seek your advice in personal problems. Others sense your sincere interest and desire to help, and you can always be counted on to see the bright side of any problem.

(For people who don't get the joke, see the Cthulhu page).

Wildest Baby Names

Once more unto the breach (so to speak). The message board to cull new absurdities from. At this very moment, the first thread on top starts with :

My husband is a mechanic and we are classic car collectors. My mother mentioned this name as a joke, but it has really grown on us. We want to name our daughter Cora Vette (say is out load and it will make more sense). I think Cora is a beautiful name and if she doesn't want anyone to know her middle name, she doesn't have to tell them. But she could love it, and be proud of her name. Do you think she would get made fun of?

There are a lot of polls going on, so you can go ahead and vote for which insane name you think this or that mother should name her unfortunate child with.

The Utah Baby Namer

Well, no page on bad baby names would be complete without this site. It's for Mormons ! Including such names as VulvaMae (for a girl) and Messiah Angel (for a boy).

Ethan Bassford sent us this email :

Greetings. I stumbled upon your site a few weeks ago, and have been having a great time with it when I'm supposed to be fixing the database. Anyhow, today a friend of mine sent me this link:

As you can see, there is now a baby in the world named Aryan Justice. I just thought that as collectors of internet ludicrosity, you guys would appreciate knowing that.


review written by Franc, 03/2005.

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