12 December 1996
RI-759i 'Understanding a Typical Marriage Problem'
from Ambassador for Mankind
Message # RI-759i for Internet
(As seen from the viewpoint of a lively husband,
but it equally could be the other way around, of course,
when the wife is the lively partner in the marriage.)
You accepted her 'as she is'
when you married her,
and
you accepted the way she behaved
the years after the wedding,
and
you even accepted her 'as she is'
already before the wedding.
And now,
you suddenly don't accept the way she is,
even though SHE hasn't changed.
You broke the agreement
if you now
don't want to accept anymore the way she is,
but want to change her
or want to change the conditions in your relationship.
This is the kind of stuff
that is being thrown at you - without words -
by your wife and
by your family and
by your friends.
And as soon as you are going to actually voice
that you want conditions changed, and
that you want her to change,
you will also hear them actually VOICE these thoughts.
They are all tremendous, tremendous lies -
which they will voice.
But
these are socially very, very acceptable lies, and
they are used very strongly and frequently,
and
probably any average employee-type, protect-me-type individual
will wholeheartedly agree with them.
Now, what is the truth about all this?
The truth about all this is
that you did NOT accept her at all 'AS SHE IS',
not before the wedding,
not at the wedding, and
not during the marriage.
What DID you accept?
You accepted
not to look at the majority of her intentions, and you accepted
not to look at her past, and you accepted
not to look at her actual intentions towards you, and you accepted
not to look at what she will do
in the future
to you,
to your friends,
to your children and
to your job.
But
she tries to enforce on you
that you did accept HER,
before the wedding,
during the wedding, and
during the marriage, and
that you DID accept her as she is.
And you say
"Yes, that's true,
all the time
I accepted her 'as she is',
I did not protest and
I did not oppose
her destructive intentions.
The truth is - what you accepted is -
that you accepted NOT to look at her,
- which was and is in accordance with her wishes, by the way.
And all the time
you did not at all ACCEPT her as she was,
but
you accepted her as she was NOT.
(see RI-629i 'Definition of "Care"' of 12 July 96
[http://Art-Org.com/ri-bulletins/ri-630i.htm ])
(see also RI-757i 'Making a violent psychotic saner' of 11 Dec 96
on accepting a person as he is.
[http://Art-Org.com/ri-bulletins/ri-757i.htm ])
Now, for some reason or another,
you start
to look a bit more closely
at the intentions of your wife,
or
for some reason or another,
your agreement with her and with others
about NOT looking at her intentions
is diminished.
And now she starts the accusation
that YOU have changed and
that therefore YOU are the one
who is destroying the marriage,
because
"All went fine in the marriage up to now,
AND SHE DIDN'T CHANGE."
And she will invite family, friends and neighbors
to testify for her
that SHE didn't change.
Well, what you changed
was not your behavior,
but rather
you diminished your agreement with her
that you will not look at her intentions.
She will present that
to the court of invited family, friends and neighbors
as evidence
of your having developed a bad character
- which you did not have
when she married you, and
which you also didn't have
during the marriage,
but which you only now have 'suddenly developed'.
You see,
she considers your behavior anti-social.
She does not want her intentions looked at.
She does not want her actions looked at.
She does not want her past looked at.
She does not even want to look at her own intentions,
nor at her own actions, and
she certainly doesn't want to look at her past actions.
You agreed with her,
before the wedding and
during the marriage,
every day since and
each day again and
each minute that you were together,
not to look
at these things about her.
She considers that agreement - which she obtained from you -
very survival for herself,
because
she was and is totally sure
that anybody who does look at these things about her
would not want to marry her or
would not want to stay married to her.
Now, please understand this:
By keeping you from looking at her, and
by constantly keeping you to your agreement
not to look at her,
she considers
SHE is
keeping and saving and creating the marriage!
And she considers then
that YOU - by starting to look at her -
are wanting to destroy and are destroying the marriage.
Whichever way you turn it,
it is always your fault, and
it is always you
who is destroying her and
who is destroying the marriage.
She never gets the idea
that it is her intentions and her actions
(which are also motivated
by her past actions and by her past intentions)
that are continuously destroying
the marriage and
the aliveness of the members of the family,
because
she doesn't want to look at her intentions,
she doesn't want to look at what she is doing and
she doesn't want to look at what her intentions behind it are.
It's like
asking a blind man what he sees.
He says,
"I see a room and a chair, a brown chair,"
(because he has learnt that all the chairs are brown)
"and I see the sunshine outside, on the lawn."
And you ask the blind man,
"Can you see these things?"
and he says,
"Sure! Do you think I am blind or something?
I can even read and write and
I can produce children and
I can tell the difference between the songs
of a nightingale and a blackbird.
Can you?"
And you say,
"No, I actually can't tell that difference."
And you write in your report,
"This man is not blind.
He even can tell very similar birds apart."
That's actually how you have been bullied by your wife
into not looking at her ACTUAL condition,
into not looking at her ACTUAL intentions.
It doesn't occur at all to your wife
that SHE (with her life-suffocating intentions)
is destroying the marriage.
And she can also very easily prove
to the court of family, friends and neighbors
that
SHE is not destroying the marriage, but
that
SHE kept it there for five years.
And,
- after you
have appeared before this court several times and
have heard the accusations -
and,
- noticing
that there was no attorney invited by your wife
for YOUR defense -
and,
- after you heard the verdict many times
that she did and does everything
to keep a marriage there, and
that you changed and broke the agreement
(to remind you:
you agreed not to look at
her intentions and
her past and
you agreed that she also does not herself
have to look at her actions, intentions and past) -
you admit defeat,
and
you accept the verdict on you -
unanimously and repeatedly pronounced by the court:
"YOU changed abruptly,
SHE did everything to keep the marriage together.
YOU have developed anti-social qualities
- by wanting to look at things
you're not supposed to look at, and
by wanting to know things
that you are not supposed to find out, and
by the most horrible crime of all:
Wanting from another that he
actually looks
at his own intentions and
at his own actions."
This is what awaits you,
should you decide
to dissolve an insane and destructive marriage.
You might describe the problem
as a number of opposing intentions in yourself:
1. "I want to be more alive and to have more honesty."
versus
2. "I don't want to be accused of breaking my agreements,
as I have indeed agreed with her
to be dishonest to her and
not to be alive with her."
versus
3. etc.
Koos Nolst Trenite - Ambassador for Mankind
Copyright 1996 by Koos Nolst Trenite
Personal Web-page:
http://ArtOrg.com
Personal Web-Library:
http://Art-Org.com
References:
- Bulletins about Marriage and Family and Problems in Marriage
RI-537i 'The Right to Demand Awareness' of 15 Apr 1996
RI-629i 'Definition of "Care"' of 12 July 1996
RI-631i 'Definition of "Woman"' of 12 July 1996
RI-734i 'Orienting Children' of 13 Nov 1996
RI-713i 'Handling Attacks Correctly - Space and Love' 18 Oct 1996
RI-219i 'People Refusing Marriage Counseling' 30 June 95
RI-316Ri '(Mentions handling Betrayal in a Marriage)' 26 Oct 95
RI-543i 'Dictators' of 22 July 1994, issued 2 May 1996
RI-602i 'Definition of Power' of 20 June 1996
RI-689i 'Auditing a psychotic telepathically' of 7 Sept 1996
RI-688i 'Handling parents - a psychotic mother' of 7 Sept 1996
RI-697i 'Telepathic Auditing for my Father - On Friendships' of 17 Sept 96
RI-698i 'Treat a Psychotic as a Psychotic (on my mother)' of 19 Sept 96
- Some Bulletins about How to Help and Look at People
RI-592i 'How To Look At People' of 5 June 1996
RI-235i 'Handling people with Understanding' of 14 July 1995
RI-242Ri 'Being There - Freedom to Act' of 22 July 1995
RI-274i 'Setting Own Awareness-Level - Use of Vital Data' of 8 Oct 95
- Some Bulletins about Society
RI-705i 'Society Resurgence, Use of Rules' of 9 Oct 1996
RI-267i 'Omitted Data on Waging and Ending Wars' of 13 Sept 95
RI-603i 'Capitalist - Industrialist - Employee' of 21 Oct 95
RI-664i 'Recommended History Books' of 12 Aug 1996
RI-691i 'Admiral Canaris Biographies, Recommended' of 11 Sept 1996
- Some Bulletins about Art
RI-019i 'Artists and Ethics' of 10 Sept 1992
RI-704Ri 'Real Art is not hard to understand' of 30 Sept 1996
RI-727Ri 'Van Gogh's "Starry Night"-painting' of 29 Oct 1996
- Some Bulletins about Helping Criminals
RI-750i 'Crimes are not motivated by money' of 1 Dec 1996
RI-058Ri 'Fair Game Series - Treatment of Enemies' of 1 Jan 95
RI-487i 'Dialogue: On Enemies and Hostility' of 20 Feb 1996
RI-535i '"An Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend" = INSANE' of 10 Apr 1996
RI-646i 'FACING those who are mean or dishonest' of 31 July 1996
RI-262i 'Creating despite Suppressive Persons' of 20 Aug 1995
- Some Bulletins about Sanity
RI-449i 'A Rule For Freedom' of 14 Jan 1996
RI-714i 'State of Sanity, Definition of' of 24 Oct 1996
RI-537i 'The Right to Demand Awareness' of 15 Apr 1996
- Some Bulletins about Religion
RI-260i 'Comparative Religion' of 19 Aug 1995
RI-379i 'Religious Tolerance' of 1 Nov 1995
RI-738i 'Christianity - Love, and Guilt solved' of 17 Nov 1996
- Some Bulletins about Ambassador for Mankind
RI-126Ri 'Koos Nolst Trenite - identity' of 29 Mar 1995
RI-480i 'Koos Nolst Trenite - Life-story' of 14 Feb 1996
RI-380Ri 'Obtaining Truth from the RI-Bulletins' of 1 Nov 1995
RI-50RQi 'RI-xxxi series Archive - Content and Use' 28 Dec 94
Revised and Replaced on 6 March 1996
These and other RI-Bulletins can well be obtained here - or
At the Library of Koos' writings on
http://Art-Org.com
or (with WWW-browser) at
ftp://thetics.europa.com/outgoing/adams/RI
ftp://thetics.europa.com/outgoing/adams/RI/ACT
Back to the RI-Bulletin index.