Alleee and Franc's
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L Ron Hubbard Funnies Archive

Hubbard fascinates me : while he was a liar and a trickster, and founded the cult of Scientology, he was also a smart man. But since he was crazy, well, that's why this page is here. This page includes audio files, Hubbard quotes, and funny Success Stories from Advance!. Have fun !

PS : I fixed the sounds. Sorry for the inconvenience.



Some audio

(requires Real Audio)
As far as I am aware, all of these are actual extracts from Hubbard lectures.

Casbah - Hubbard discusses the Incident called the "Emanator", responsible for casbahs.
Espinol - This part of the universe belongs to Espinol United Moons Planets and Asteroids. "This quarter of the universe is ours".
Gamma - Radiation will go thru a 16-foot wall, but not thru a human body.
God - Exteriorisation from our body is prevented by belief in God.
Helatrobus - A brief extract from Hubbard conducting an auditing session.
Nochrist_HQ - The idea of Jesus comes from R6 (the implant audited during OT3). Includes the famous "There was no Christ" line.
Van Allen - Hubbard went in the Van Allen belt. "This is factual".
Venus - Hubbard was almost ran over by a train on Venus.

FROM MY SECRET CDs...
The Sex Dynamic - How to inhibit sexual passion quickly.


Writings


The OT3 level

See this Operation Clambake page for OT3 text and extended analysis.

Past lives

See this review of "Have You Lived Before This Life ?".

Hubbard on Compassion in Society

"It is not necessary to produce a world of clears in order to have a reasonable and worthwhile social order; it is only necessary to delete those individuals who range from 2.0 down, either by processing them enough to get their tone level above the 2.0 line - a task which, indeed, is not very great, since the amount of processing in many cases might be under fifty hours, although it might also in others be in excess of two hundred - or simply quarantining them from the society. A Venezuelan dictator once decided to stop leprosy. He saw that most lepers in his country were also beggars. By the simple expedient of collecting and destroying all the beggars in Venezuela an end was put to leprosy in that country."
"Science of Survival", 1951, p. 157

Hubbard on Cannibals

"The individual without engrams seeks survival along all of the dynamics in accordance with his breadth of understanding. This does not mean that a Zulu who has been cleared of all his engrams would not continue to eat missionaries if he were a cannibal by education; but it does mean that he would be rational as possible about eating missionaries; further, it would be easier to re-educate him about eating missionaries if he were a Clear."
"Science of Survival", 1951, p. 123

Hubbard on Sex and Women

"It doesn't give me displeasure to hear of a virgin being raped. The lot of women is to be fornicated."

"In 1942 - December 17th or thereabouts - while training in Miami, Florida, I met a girl named Ginger who excited me. She was a very loose person but pretended a great love for me. From her I received an infection of gonnohorea (sp?). "

"I have a very bad masturbatory history. I was taught when I was 11 and, despite guilt, fear of insanity, etc. etc. I persisted. At a physical examination at a Y when I was about 13, the examiner and the people with him called me out of the line because my testicles hung low and cautioned me about what would happen if I kept on masturbating. This "discovery" was a bad shock to me. "

"Affirmations", 1947

Hubbard on Egyptians

"Actually, Egypt was a battleground between two space groups, and they set up all this nonsense one way or the other, and all the super magic, and all that kind of thing."
SHSBC lecture #60, "What is Knowable to the Pc"

"Ancient Egypt, if you care to look it up on the track, was a combination of Earth and space opera all mixed up as one. As the high Pharaoh stands on the side of the pyramid and blesses the multitude, he has to be careful that his cloak doesn't blow aside and reveal his ray gun."

"Moses and the crooked snake... that turned into a stuck, that was actually a disintegrator pistol."

Responsibility and the State of OT Lecture Series, lecture 18

Hubbard on Radiation

"The bomb goes off in Australia, and a 360-degree sphere of ionosphere (which is up there not too far above your heads, not too many miles) flashes. In other words, the flash in Australia, the ionosphere flashes. People get a secondary kickback from the ionosphere just as though they were standing next to the bomb, don't you see?"

"Nikolai Tesla also did certain ground wave experiments that demonstrate that radio waves, FM waves, any other type of waves that he could isolate at that time, will travel just as easily along the surface of the ground as they will travel through the air. In fact, air is a pretty good conductor... So you could say maybe a bomb burst down there in Australia and you get a momentary flash over the entirety of [the] Earth, don't you see? Something like that could act as a conductor. This has not been studied."

"Now, all America sits in front of television sets and those television sets exude, I am sorry to say, a considerable amount of radioactive material. It's not huge, you know, but it's enough so that people who have made a habit of watching TV ... get the TV radiation."

Lecture "The Scale of Havingness", 29 Nov 1959

"The way you make an atomic bomb is very interesting ... You take a piece of plutonium here and a piece of plutonium there and you put a stick between them, you see. You fix the back piece of plutonium so that it'll slide up and hit the front piece of plutonium when the stick hits something, and then you simply throw the stick. When the front piece of plutonium hits the ground, the back piece of plutonium hits the front piece of plutonium and it goes. And that's a bomb. And when it goes it releases a tremendous amount of gamma and many other items much too lengthy to catalogue."
Lecture "Radiation and the Scientologist", 13 April 1957

Hubbard on Mars

"And the name of this solar system is Space Station 33. And they started to use this area without suspecting that the 4th Invader Force had been there for God knows how many 'scillion' years. They have various installations up on Mars and they have tremendous screened operations. The martian operation is a fascinating operation simply because it has gone into 100 % holding force. And it does everything it does with tremendous 'coversion'. It's sitting behind a defense screen of enormous size. And nobody...it's practically impossible to penetrate that except as a thetan. And if you penetrate as a thetan you go through the martian screen and they 'gotcha'."
"Role of Earth"

"Now we notice that Mars doesn't have any atmosphere either and won't support life. In spite of the fact that it turns green and red and purple with the seasons, it doesn't support life. We understand -- there's lots of things we understand about this system -- heh-heh! Isn't it? But this is a carefully maintained station. And a space-opera, meat-body type society maintains it very carefully. They have a hospital, there's space craft hanging around there, dispatcher stations, landing platforms, this type of thing. It's all highly civilized, but they carefully maintain this one. And it's very interesting, they maintain this one. They've maintained it for thousands of years without any change. Why, it's fascinating. Why are they maintaining this thing? Why? Why is it so important to them?"
SHSBC course, "Between life implants"

Hubbard on the Afterlife

"BETWEEN-LIVES: At death the theta being leaves the body and goes to the between-lives area. Here he "reports in", is given a strong forgetter implant and then is shot down to a body just before it is born. At least that is the way the old invader in the Earth area was operating."

"The report area for most has been Mars. Some women report to stations (implant) elsewhere in the Solar System. There are occasional incidents about Earth report stations. The report stations are protected by screens, The last Martian report station on Earth was established in the Pyrenees."

"THE BETWEEN LIVES IMPLANT

This Implant properly has six parts.

(1) Pc's actual death (not in first one given.)

(2) First Screen Section (to left) giving a false death, many GPMs calculated to obliterate memory and group the Time Track, and some pictures containing groupers. This says it is 15 days long.

(3) The Main Screen purporting to give the Future trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion years from the Year Zero. On this the pc's past implants get stuck up.

(4) The "Next Hundred Days." A Screen on the right of the main screen giving a number of positive dichotomy GPMs to fit the negative dichotomy goals on the first screen section (2). This also contains a false projection to Earth "into a baby" complete with sonic on the delivery room
(a home bedroom with oatmeal wallpaper or the current fashion on Earth.)

(5) The actual kick off from the Implant station (not by projection to Earth but being dumped on Earth.)

(6) The actual search for a baby.

"History of Man"

Hubbard on Heaven

"Both series have the Gates of Heaven visible. The last implant of both consists of "entering" Heaven. The last goal of both is To Be In Heaven."

"The gates of the first series are well done, well built. An avenue of statues of saints leads up to them. The gate pillars are surmounted by marble angels. The entering grounds are very well kept, laid out like Bush Gardens in Pasadena, so often seen in the movies. Aside from the implant boxes which lie across from each other on the walk there are other noises and sounds as though the saints are defending and berating. These are unimportant to the incident."

"The second series, probably in the same place, shows what a trillion years of overt acts does (or is an additional trickery to collapse one's time). The place is shabby. The vegatation is gone. The pillars are scruffy. The saints have vanished. So have the Angels. A sign on one (the left as you "enter") says "This is Heaven". The right has a sign "Hell" with an arrow and inside the grounds one can see the excavations like archaeological diggings with raw terraces, that lead to "Hell". Plain wire fencing encloses the place. There is a sentry box beside and outside the right pillar. The road "leading up" to the gates is deeply eroded. An effigy of Joseph, complete with desert clothing, is seen approaching the gates (but not moving) leading a donkey which "carries" the original Madonna and child from "Bethlehem". The implanting boxes lie on either side of this "entering" path at path level."

HCO bulletin, May 11 AD13, "Routine 3 - Heaven"

Hubbard on Evolution

"Alcohol was a tremendous thing, but here's an oddity. Today, alcohol makes people feel tired. Now, isn't that an oddity? It's been laid in on the genetic line, evidently to such a degree that it now produces the illness it was most used as a remedy for. Any time you got tired, you took a drink. The genetic line ... accumulates these things ... The experience the body line has in one generation may culminate in another generation. Even so, Darwin found out that when you took horses up to the high country in the Middle East, they would then grow long hair after a season or two. But when you took them - these long-haired horses - back into the low, hot country, they wouldn't get rid of the long hair, just in case, for about four generations."
Lecture "Radiation and the Scientologist", 13 April 1957

"The discovery of the GE [Genetic Entity] makes it possible at last to vindicate the theory of evolution proposed by Darwin and to discover the various missing connections in the line as well as to explore the characteristics, goals and developmental urges of organisms on the evolutionary line. Further, the discovery of the GE makes it possible to adjust hitherto contrary material in the theory of evolution."

"Lucretius said that each atom was life. This may or may not be true. But the first incident one finds in the GE behaves as though the preclear were an atom, complete with electronic rings. This incident audits very poorly until it is located as a companion to some overt act.

There seems to be a "hole in space" immediately ahead of the Atom. Just after this hole is a condition of motion, with the preclear in the centre, with rings of motion travelling around him."

"THE CLAM is a deadly incident but mostly when restimulated on purpose. Although this area of the track is called the CLAM, it is improbable that the actual animal was a clam such as our razorbacks. Visios on this seem to indicate that it is a scalloped-lip, white- shelled creature. The clam was, of course, quite thoroughly fixed to the rocks and the state is very static. The clam had many troubles. The first of these troubles is the double-hinge problem. One hinge wishes to stay open, the other tries to close, thus conflict occurs. Here we have two control centres, both of them more or less equal in power, having no internal communication.

In the jellyfish we have the first third dynamic engrams where the goal is to hold together at all costs. As soon as the hinges are formed in the clam, we have our first efforts to be completely contrary and internally at war. The solution occurs when one hinge goes into apathy and the other assumes complete control.

The hinge epicentres later become the hinges of the human jaw. Should you desire to confirm this, describe to some uninitiated person the death of a clam without saying what you are describing. "Can you imagine a clam sitting on the beach, opening and closing its shell very rapidly?" (Make a motion with your thumb and forefinger of a rapid opening and closing). The victim may grip his jaws with his hand and feel quite upset. He may even have to have a few teeth pulled: At the very least he will argue as to whether or not the shell stays open at the end or closed. And he will, with no hint of the death aspect of it, talk about the "poor clam" and he will feel quite sad emotionally. "

"Man's first real Manhood is found in the PILTDOWN, a creature not an ape, yet not entirely a Man. It is so named not because it is accurately the real Piltdown Man but because it has some similarity.

The PILTDOWN contains freakish acts of strange "logic," of demonstrating dangerous on one's fellows, of eating one's wife and other somewhat illogical activities. The PILTDOWN teeth were ENORMOUS and he was quite careless as to whom and what he bit and often very much surprised at the resulting damage.

Obsessions about biting efforts to hide the mouth and early familial troubles can be found in the PILTDOWN. It is a wonderful area in which to locate GE overt acts.

Keeping women at home for men and keeping a man from keeping one at home for women can be found in the CAVEMAN. Here one crippled one's woman to keep her there or poisoned one's man for having kept her there. Marital malaction often goes back to the CAVEMAN. Any condition of interpersonal relationships can be found in this area. Jealousy and overt acts around it, strangling, smashing in heads with rocks, quarrels about homes, tribal rebukes, pack instincts can be found in THE CAVEMAN."

"History of Man", 1952



Some Success Stories from the Scientology magazine Advance!

(note : image above is actual old header used in magazine Advance!)

"A friend of mine bought a car and had nothing but trouble with it from the day he brought it home. The car was given a thorough over-haul by a mechanic before he bought it and he was told it was in great shape. He then had it looked at fully in a new unit of time - again a clean bill of health!"

"But things kept happening. It kept breaking down. Still nothing could be found mechanically wrong.

"inexplicable", the mechanics said.

"My friend asked me to look at it. Now I'm not a mechanic but l am an OT so i agreed. Sure enough when I started to check the scene out I found a thetan 'glued' to the inside of the car, in the back. This was an extremely enturbulated being with a lot of mass stuck to him. I let him know he had been spotted and told him to leave. And he did, immediately. What do you known the car ran perfectly from that time on''
C. B.


"One night after leaving the org in Manchester (a while ago), I decided to take the bus home. A bus arrived that I hadn't used before, but as it was going near my home I decided to take it. While getting on the bus I started to get a funny feeling that I didn't understand. I ignored this and paid my fare. I then went and sat at the back of the bus as I usually do, it was cold and this was the warmest part of the bus and where I normally feel most comfortable.

I had sat there for a few moments when I started to feel very uncomfortable and know that I shouldn't sit there. I didn't understand why I felt this way and Q and A'd for a few minutes not sure what to do about it. After a few more minutes the discomfort intensified to a point where I just thought, 'OK, knock off the Q and A and go sit somewhen else', so I got up and sat right in front of the bus - I immediately felt a huge relief.

"About a minute after I had sat down we rounded a comer and I heard a smash behind me. I looked around and just in front of the seat I was sat on, a brick had been thrown through the window by a gang of youths. The area I was previously sat in was covered in glass! Luckily I didn't Q and A for longer than I did."
S.T.
- Advance! UK #137

"My boss and I had a very important presentation to do for a client. We had gotten most of it together and ready but we were missing one vital piece of documentation. There was only one copy of it and it was 'nowhere' to be found. Trying to track it down I discovered that it had last been seen some weeks earlier before a major move had occurred in the office.

"I remembered from the time of that move that tons of files and boxes had been taken away to a storage facility and I was sure it was there.

"So I went to my boss, who is an OT V as well, and told him where I believed the particle was. He abed I was right. So we went to the storage space and it was filled to the top with papers, boxes and files. I zeroed in on a space at the back of the room and made my way to it. In less than three minutes we had found the exact particle we needed for the presentation.

"We got back in time for the appointment and delivered a successful presentation. It sure saves time when you're OT!''
F.A.
- Advance! UK #137

Last week I saw that my goldfish was all red and lumpy. My husband, Rick, said that he's had goldfish like that before and that they don't recover, they just die.

I got very sad. He had been with our family for a year now. So, that night, I decided to do something. I used my flows from "8-80" and my abilities as an OT and flowed some energy toward my fish's wounds. I did this until something seemed better. I then went to sleep.

The next day Rick said he noticed the fish was less red and lumpy! I was very pleased and that night from my office at work I continued the assist. I continued to flow energy, changing the flows as needed until a big burst of matter blew. I ended off. When I went home that night the fish was completely healed!

It was a big win for me, and the fish. It couldn't have been done without the technology of L. Ron Hubbard.
Minty Alexander, OT
- Advance! #33

I went to the Los Angeles Airport one evening to pick up my wife, Yvonne, who was returning from a lecture trip. As we started to leave the car park we both heard screaming.

I exteriorized and saw a man beating up a woman. I stopped the car and told Yvonne to go and help the girl while I caught the mugger (he was already leaving the scene of the beating).

Yvonne went to the girl's aid and began giving her an assist. Her face had already greatly puffed out from the beating. I started walking at an intercept angle to the mugger who was not yet visible to me with the physical eyes. Sure enough he appeared from behind a row of cars walking fast. I walked faster and he began to run. I knew it was him because I had seen his shirt while exterior. I ran after him and called for help and the same time. The police came and helped me run him down and he was captured.

We then went back to the police station and Yvonne brought the girl in who, after the touch assist, looked fantastically improved. We both realized that we had exteriorized and seen what had happened through several rows of cars and concrete pillars. Well, maybe someday we'll have a real OT Police who'll capture the *real* criminals of society. That would be a real help towards world police.
Heber C. Jentszch, OT
[now president of Church of Scientology International] - Advance! #38

"I was in my office on the 11th floor of our building when I heard the Concord [sic] (jet) going over above. I looked out the window and saw the plane flying low to the north. The weather was warm and mildly cloudy. About five minutes later, while still in my office, I became aware of a mass one quarter mile up in the sky. I looked out but could see nothing.

After I sat down again, my awareness of the mass continued so I put a beam up towards it. A thunderous explosion followed and I received a tremendous return flow along the beam, which lifted my body at least six inches out of the chair. My secretary came running through to tell me some fool must be dynamiting in the centre of the city and near our building at that.

Later that same evening in the Foundation Org, someone mentioned that they had heard a crash like thunder and the time but on looking out the window could not see any rain clouds. They work on the other side of town and were still puzzled by the bang.

No doubt some kind of ridge had built up, and on my poking a beam into it, it had become unbalanced and dramatically dispersed.

Woke up the city nicely and caused me to chuckle no end."
John Protheroe, OT
- Advance! #17

"HANDLING DISEMBODIED SPIRITS

Dave Foster and I just had one hell of an experience and I wanted to share it with you. What a success story!

We were walking home when all of a sudden, we became aware of another being. We located 'him' in a thicket. We stood there and confronted him and he just about freaked out. Then he flashed a picture of being burned at the stake. 'He' was a 'she', about 6 -7 feet tall which was why the townspeople thought she was a witch. Her dress was gray and falling around her shoulders because she was struggling so hard. We dated it, or rather got her to tell us the date, around 1640. She had been burned right there on that exact spot and had been there ever since!

Well, we helped her through the incident and she flew, dress, stake, fire and all. It was incredible. Dave and I were seeing the exact same things, no one but an OT could believe it, but there it was, right in front of us.

We were still marvelling at the experience and how 'clean' the space was now when all of a sudden another thetan flashed down into the thicket.

This guy was pretty powerful and had been making a game of frightening passers-by, a ghost, if you will. But, he was in for a surprise when he picked on us. We did not react, just confronted. He turned on the power and flowed incredible fear at us trying to make us afraid. He even threw up a picture of a ferocious looking animal (his last life). Applying the Tone Scale, David lunged at him and yelled and that poor guy got the shock of his life.

He'll remember that incident as the turning point of his spiral because at that moment he recognized us as OTs who were going to help him. He 'stood' in awe as we as-ised his 'bonds'. He then sent out a thought of deepest gratitude (he knew no apology was necessary - shows how aware he had become) and immediately picked up a little girl's body.

And then still another thetan appeared, he came for help. David said goodbye and explained that we had a lot to do and must leave. They were actually standing in line.

As we continued walking home, we were followed by literally thousands of thetans. We were being deified.

I had a really good look at clearing the planet. I mean actually getting it done, and then the Universe and how easy it really is. A piece of cake.
Pat Broeker
- Advance! #15

I have just ended session. My hand writes. Yet I am, at will above earth. I am at a point above the Mediterranean and can see across from Alaska to Sweden with almost the whole of Africa free of mist and cloud. Greenland and the Arctic shine in the sun in parts.
I can see the beautiful green-blue of ice packs as the sun shines behind them. The cold green of the sea, the long oily swell. A drifter goes by with its single sternsail and a red band on its funnel, the men in yellow oilskins. Birds wheel and squawk a terrible din.
I pick up some snow and it is warm and crisp. I smell the ozone.
I haven't completed OT III. This is just a taste.
Frank McCall
- Advance! #16

I was walking through Reception at work one afternoon when I saw a police car pull up and two officers emerge. I knew instantly something had happened to my best friend's husband and, as I work with my best friend, I intercepted the police officers. Sure enough they wanted to see my friend and, when I asked them if something had happened to her husband, they looked at me startled and then proceeded to tell me he had collapsed at work about an hour earlier and had died almost immediately.

They had come to personally tell her and had to attest they had done so. There was no way I was going to let the police be the first to give her the news, so I convinced them I should tell her and then they would talk to her and confirm I had [sic].

I went in to my friend's office and she immediately perceived something was wrong. When I broke the news she cried briefly but then came way up tone to anger, upset at the waste of a life. She then received the officers, told them she understood what had happened and thanked them for coming. They told her she would need to go to the City Morgue to identify her husband's body the next morning. As soon as they had left she turned to me and asked if I would do the morgue cycle for her the next morning, explaining that she didn't really want to do it.

I agreed, and she then went on to tell me that she was aware of the fact that her husband was very distressed and disoriented, and stuck to the body. She wanted me to go there and handle him.

Next morning I went to the morgue as agreed and not surprisingly found it to be a very enturbulated space. My friend's husband was just as she said he would be, totally dispersed and distressed. I got in comm with him and gave him a locational silently. After about five minutes he went into excellent comm, telling me exactly what has happened to his body. He had had a heart attack the month before and some tissue from the damage of that had moved through his body to the main blood passage to his brain, blocking it. Death had been almost instant. We went over what he should do now and figured out where exactly he would go to get a new body. I told him about the memorial service we had already arranged for him the coming Sunday at his house, and he promised he'd be there.

By the time Sunday arrived his wife and children had all been in session and were all doing well. One of his good friends conducted the memorial service, and we were all aware that my friend's husband was there and in excellent comm. It was a very uptone service, and at a point about 20 minutes after it had ended he began saying his last goodbyes. His wife looked at me from across the room and nodded. The being left at that point, in good shape, ready for the next lifetime. We all knew where he'd gone and all concerned had zero bypassed charge on the whole cycle. It was extremely OT.
J. S.
- Advance! UK #135

Since my wife and I have completed OT IIIX, we play a game with each other called "tag." We place our bodies in a safe environment and then one of us will pick some place on the planet to hide. It's the other's job to find out where the hiding place is.

Last night I hid in a mummy in a buried pyramid in Egypt. It's no trick to find each other. Wanda's and my affinity level is high enough so we can spot each other quickly, regardless of mockup. But the game is for Wanda to figure out where I am hiding.

Using her exterior perceptics, she pieces together clues from what she sees and feels, hears, etc. This is a real fun game and helps us to practice OT abilities.

Ability requires practice so that it achieves full function. This game is how Wanda and I practice and have fun too.

Mike Madias
- Advance! issue 24, "OT Experiences", page 10

One afternoon I was bending over the kitchen sink rinsing a cup when all of a sudden I felt afraid. I felt there was someone behind me with bad intentions. The hair on my neck was standing up and I felt cold.

So I slowly turned around and there he was standing with his armed crossed. His dress was Egyptian, his head was that of a bull with long horns and red flaring nostrils.

I looked, blinked and then pointed my finger at him and said "You cannot intrude into my universe. Stop terrifying beings. Go and pick up a body and get your dramatization audited out." He left in anger.

I then went to my room to start a solo session. As I sat down and started auditing, I felt I was not alone. Then, zap! there he was again, sitting on my table in front of me, laughing.

I said "Why didn't you go away and do what I told you to do?" He laughed so loud I thought the room would cave in. He said, "I'm here for auditing. Audit me." I said "Fine. First we start with TR 0," and gave him a reality factor on it.

We did TR 0 for five minutes and he then simply left. I shall meet him in the near future as a Scientologist.

Catherine Steiner
OT

Advance! issue 19, "OT Phenomena Successes", page 11

The other day I was driving in the rain and the car in front of me stopped suddenly. I needed about 3 inches more to stop in, so I pushed his car forward about 3 inches with pure intention.

This startled him considerably. But then, it prevented any damage from occurring.

Also, I noticed that I can talk to my cats and have them do what I want them to do, which is almost more astounding!

I would say that OT VII is power with no effort at all.

Mike Ball
on OT VII

From Advance! issue 15, "OT Phenomena", page 20-21

I was walking past the big tree of Ron's outside the front of the Manor, and I said to it "How old are you?" and got an answer from a thetan somewhere in it. It didn't quite fit with the age of the Manor and the surroundings, and then I suddenly realized or found out that he'd come from Lebanon or somewhere as a young sapling. Then the thetan up and left.

Glyn Ketterige

From Advance! issue 16, "OT Phenomena, page 17



Last updated 03/2005